My Gay Agenda

Some of my favourite anti-gay claims are those that reference a “gay agenda”. Even though they are often amongst the most unpleasant claims, they have an unintentional humour that goes a certain way towards redeeming them.

In December last year, for example, an American politician claimed that airport security pat downs are part of a “wide-scale homosexual agenda”, saying that “the next TSA official who gives you an ‘enhanced pat down’ could be a practicing homosexual secretly getting pleasure from your submission.”

See what I mean? Unpleasant, but strangely amusing. Moving straight past the fact that this guy clearly has issues (I’m guessing closeted homo with some kind of BDSM fetish?), have you seen him? Eugene Delgaudio. I’m not saying anything.

  • Sidenote: I’ve never been a fan of the term “practicing homosexual”. Yes, yes, yes, I know it means “one who engages in the practice of homosexuality” rather than “one who is attempting to improve their homosexuality through repetition”, but it still makes me feel like some kind of beginner. Can we not be “practiced homosexuals”?

Unfortunately, the “gay agenda” rhetoric is fairly common amongst right wing politicians and campaigners. You can read a fairly unpleasant example here, although I’ve seen worse.

The most annoying thing about it is that, as far as I’m aware, there is no universal “gay agenda” (or, if there is, no one’s told me about it). I’ve scoured teh interwebs and found one pretty funny article,’s “The Gay Agenda“. However, I can’t help but feel that it’s not entirely serious…

So if there’s no “gay agenda”, what are all though homophobes getting riled up about? It pains me to think that they might be wasting their time, so as a favour to homophobia I have decided to craft my own “gay agenda”. And I fully intend to preach it to all those who’ll listen, and act on it at every opportunity.

Without further ado, here is my five point Gay Agenda:

  1. Find a cure for homophobia (ideally non-lethal). Homophobia is infinitely more detrimental (both to the individual and to society) than homosexuality is. But even if you are inflicted with this sickness, please don’t fret: there’s still hope.
  2. Free education. If rational, intelligent, arguments against homosexuality exist then they should be addressed. However, I’d be prepared to wager that the majority of arguments against homosexuality are neither rational nor intelligent. It would follow that rational, intelligent people are at a lower risk of contracting homophobia. As such, I believe a supportive education system is the gay community’s best friend.
  3. Oppose heterosexual proselytisation in all its forms. Make no mistake, they are recruiting. Suggestible LGBT youth are being subjected to a two-pronged attack (and not in the good way): homophobic abuse from their peers and the more insidious “Gay = Not OK” teachings of homophobic elders in positions of power. Whether they are teachers, priests, or politicians, we cannot allow these people to paint their hate on the most vulnerable in our community.
  4. Open more gyms… because a healthy heart is a happy heart?
  5. More funding for the arts! Gays have a reputation for excellence in artistic fields, both as critics and creators. Why not play to our strengths?
What do y’all reckon? And what would be on your Gay Agenda?
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